Dear Psychopaths, Maniacs, and Perverts,

Good news: I’m doing a television show!

As the host of AXS LIVE on AXS TV, I will be broadcast into your filthy homes and drug dens every Monday thru Thursday for a live, one-hour program. Covering everything from viral videos to chart-topping music, I’ll be spewing all the information you’ll need to stay on top of what’s cool right now. All you have to do is tune in at 7pm (EST) and– boom!– you’ll finally have something relevant to talk about at your court-ordered group-therapy.

And, remember, the show is LIVE!! So, you can can watch me do what I do while I’m doing it. You won’t have to touch your remote control at all, which will leave your hands completely free to work on your true passion: Making dolls out of human hair.

So, there you have it. Plenty of reasons why you should be just as excited about this show as I am. I hope you love it and obsess over it so much that I need to take out restraining orders on every single one of you.

Until then, here are some relevant links to help you start your stalking:

Well, that’s it for now.

Until next time, keep scaring those children.

Love (not really),


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