Penis Frostbite

See, this article exemplifies why I don’t believe in a god: The human penis is far too delicate to handle the wide variety of things men want to do with it. How could there be one almighty, all-knowing “creator” when this is such a major design flaw?


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Dear Winners,

I’ll be headlining four shows this weekend, January 25-26, at STAND UP LIVE in Phoenix, AZ.

If you have any intentions of using your time wisely, you’ll be there.

Call the club in advance to make reservations: 480-719-6100

Or buy tickets online:

50 W. Jefferson St.

Phoenix, AZ 85003

If you can’t make the show, or don’t live anywhere near Arizona, don’t worry. You can watch me on CHELSEA LATELY next Tuesday, January 29th.

You’re welcome.



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Chelsea Lately Appearances

Dear Creeps,

I will be returning to CHELSEA LATELY on Tuesday, October 23rd, on E! Entertainment Television at 11:00PM (EST).

And I’ll be on the show again on November 12th.

And I’ll be on, AGAIN, December 4th and 20th.

So, tune in. Or don’t and just go about wasting your life away.



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American Cripple

“I see you sell a doll who is in a wheelchair. I actually have twin daughters who are fused together at the spine; do you have any dolls that represent their unique situation? And, if so, could I get one with eczema?”  

— Me, at the American Girl store

Of all the accessories to include in a line of dolls, I’m not surprised that wheelchair makes the cut.  Certainly there are kids in wheelchairs who represent a viable market share of doll purchasers!  But, why is that the limit?  Why not also include accessories for other types of disabilities, impairments, or limitations?

Where’s the EpiPen for dolls allergic to bee stings?
Where’s the bionic limb for the American Girl who born with no leg below the left kneecap?
What about the stand, bags, and tubes for the IV drip that provides some dolls with the chemotherapy they so desperately need?

Even more strange, the wheelchair in the lavender color was SOLD OUT.  Other options in red and blue are still available, though, for the girls who need to injure their dolls right away.

Least strange:  I was in the American Girl store.  I mean, c’mon, we all know I went in looking for something to poke fun at.  … We all know that, right?

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Rape Jokes (Part 1): Education

Over the past few days there has been an uproar in the media over the topic of “rape jokes.”  I’ve surfed through about a billion blog posts discussing the issue and I even took some time to brush up on feminism and rape culture. After all of that, I found one quote at that indirectly sums up my feelings on rape jokes:

“Rape culture is ‘nothing’ being the most frequent answer to a question about what people have been formally taught about rape.”

Yeah.  I believe that.  It’s a very poignant and interesting statement.

And I’d like to add:

What have you been formally taught about jokes?


At best, the general public has no education on the topic of “rape” or “jokes.”  And, yet, everyone seems to have an opinion when it comes to “rape jokes.” An emotional, uneducated, uninformed opinion.

Really?!?  Everyone?  Not one person has thrown their hands in the air and said, “I don’t have a lot of information on the topic of humor, so I can’t speak on this subject in any meaningful way.”

Comedy is an extensive field that has been studied for hundreds of years and still remains a mystery.  Lack of proof prevents ideas about comedy from growing legs and emerging from the pools of theory and evolving into fact. Scientists can’t even begin to explain why Person X will laugh at a joke and Person Y will not.

But, every voice I hear on the topic of “rape jokes” seems to have it all figured out.  They speak with a know-it-all arrogance about jokes.  They self-righteously knight themselves crusaders against some monster they can’t even identify.

As a means to give their opinions weight, bloggers will announce their credentials:
“I have a degree in Gender and Women Studies, so I think I can speak on this topic.”
“I’m an expert in censorship and intellectual freedom, so I think I can speak on this topic.”

On the topic of jokes?  No.  Sorry.

Your degree in Volcanology doesn’t qualify you to talk about lava cake.

Where is your knowledge about jokes?  The history of jokes?  Shouldn’t people be developing an opinion after careful consideration of ALL the available information?  Why aren’t people reading up on joke structure and humor theory?  Why don’t the philosophies of Freud or Henri Bergson enter into the conversation?

Why are people’s opinions about comedy fueled more by their feelings and less by their knowledge?  Why are people so protective (read: defensive) of their uninformed opinions about comedy?

Are rape jokes funny?  Can they be funny? Maybe it’s time to calm down, have a breath, and say, “I don’t know.”

That’s better.

And, if you don’t know, maybe you don’t need to.  In the end, you have the privilege of reacting to “rape jokes” in any manner you like, good or bad, for no reason at all.  No one needs to agree with you.  And you shouldn’t need them to, either.

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No, really, this is true

What you’re currently reading is a blog. It is written by a human who has the privilege of writing a big bunch of whatever and publishing it on the internet.

People often joke that, “Just because it’s on the internet that doesn’t make it true.”

But, for some reason, when a person writes a blog about a famous comedian who did something “offensive,” other people– including members of the press– accept that blogger’s perspective as sacred. Every word should be believed, as written. It’s flawless documentation!

You can’t use the contents of one blog as a reference to build a Wikipedia page, but somehow you can use it to tear down a comedian’s entire career. People who don’t know the comedian, and didn’t witness the event, start protests and boycotts and demanding social change based on a faceless blogger’s unsubstantiated story.

Michael Richards video? Well, that’s different.

In a country stuffed with courtroom television and “innocent until proven guilty” and not-enough-evidence-to-convict, I can’t understand why people would so willingly put their faith in the words of one blogger. And I can’t help but fight against the notion that the claims of a stranger hold more weight than a comedian’s entire reputation.

When people got mad at Tracy Morgan about some event recalled by an offended blogger, I took Tracy’s side.

When people got mad at Patton Oswalt about some event recalled by an offended blogger, I took Patton’s side.

When people got mad at Dane Cook about some event tweeted by another famous comedian, I took Dane’s side.

Now, people are mad at Daniel Tosh about some hearsay event, written by one random blogger on behalf of “her friend.” …Guess whose side I’m on?

Comedy is delicate. It only exists in a single moment. Good comedians can recreate funny moments, to an extent, as a way to get an audience to respond. But, every audience is different and no recreation is ever quite the same. So, the best a comedian can hope for is a certain level of consistency. There is no hope for perfection, even among the most talented.

When an audience member doesn’t find something funny, you can bet that their recollection and recreation of the event isn’t going to perfect. And it isn’t going to be funny, either, even if they recall the dialogue with word for word precision. Lenny Bruce successfully argued that point in a court of law after a humorless police officer recited Bruce’s material. The officer did not have the timing, inflection, or talent to make the material funny. The officer didn’t even understand why it might be funny. So, why should a jury believe the officer’s testimony? They shouldn’t.

When people blog, vlog, and HuffPo their opinions about some event, and their position is based on one single account written by one bias blogger, they build an entire case on substandard evidence. Everything becomes hearsay and public opinion is founded on individual emotion and ethereal rumor.

In the end, this blog post is just as true as anything else you’ve read on the subject of offensive comedians, so how about you just believe me?

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New Website

***UPDATE: You are currently looking at the NEW site. The post below was the last post on the old site.  Please keep reading to learn how much I hated the old site.***

Dear My Special Freaks,

As you may have noticed, I do not update this website on a regular basis. And the reason for that is simple: I hate it.

I hate that you can’t view it on an iPhone or iPad. I hate that BOLD and italic functions do not appear correctly. I hate that there are typos that I cannot fix. I hate that the calendar has spacing issues. I hate that you can’t share my blog posts, even though I specifically asked for, and paid for, that function to be available. I hate that I can’t embed videos on my blog unless they are from YouTube.

The BIOGRAPHY is out-dated and the contact information is incorrect. (Contact APA Talent and Literary Agency for bookings!)

Overall, as nice as this site may look, it’s basically a sports car with a two-cylinder engine.

It’s garbage. And I hate it.

And so, I am very happy to announce that a new website is currently being built. In the meantime, please click the YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter links on the right side of the screen. See those? The one’s that say “Stay Connected.” Yeah. At least those work.

See you soon.
Ryan Stout

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Album Review – The Serious Comedy Site

Here’s a review of my album from The Serious Comedy Site.

Overall, it’s a very positive review. And is complimentary in some big ways, drawing similarities to George Carlin and saying the album “features the kind of stand up that lasts.” Well, let me be the first to say, “Thank you.”

However, the writer does take a disliking to my “lightly berating the crowd for not getting the joke when it did.” Note, I never make fun of the crowd for not getting the joke; I make fun of the fact that not EVERYONE got the joke. It’s a specific difference. The entire audience could be laughing, but as long as one guy is sitting there stone-faced, then I’m justified in making fun of the fact that “not everyone got the joke.”

I don’t know why he finds it annoying– That’s my favorite part.

And my smartest fans, who are quick to pick up on the joke, usually love the fact that some people don’t.

Oh well, to each their own.

If you haven’t heard the record, you can download it in the following places:

iTunes –
Amazon –é-Explicit/dp/B006BZ7TPC/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1322487106&sr=8-2


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NEW VIDEO – Sex Offender

It’s new Tuesday video day! … Sounds awkward, but the name really does say it all.

Start your Tuesday with a joke AND a clever trick to make your next flight more pleasant– All within a short 31 seconds.

Since it’s such a quick clip, you should probably watch it a few times. And send it to a friend…

Thanks, in advance. Oh, and you’re welcome, in advance.

(Running time = 31 seconds)

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NEW VIDEO – Wheelchair Guy

It’s Tuesday, which means I uploaded a new video!

I hope stories about hecklers are as popular as videos with actual hecklers…

My favorite part of this one is when an audience member gets up and walks out at, what I consider to be, EXACTLY the right time. Watch for his head leaving across the bottom of the screen.


(Running time = 2 minutes 20 seconds)

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