Cute Dog

I was walking down the street and I saw this middle-aged Asian man standing in the doorway of his home. He was just standing there, the door wide open, and he was watching his puppy play in the little strip of grass that ran along the sidewalk where I would soon be walking.

As I got closer to the dog, it saw me and, then, held completely still. I kept walking. I walked right passed the puppy. And then, as I was about ten feet away, I turned around to see it still staring at me, frozen in position. As I caught eyes with the beast, that’s when it bolted right for me.

The man screamed, “No… No! No!”

I stood still and the animal viciously, violently, tried to devour my shoelaces. The man ran-walked towards the dog and me. He bent down and picked up the dog and said, “Sorry. Sorry.”

“Cute dog,” I said.

“Yes. Yes. Thank you.”

“What’s his name?”

“Yes. Yes. Thank you.”

“Well, too bad you’re going to eat him later.”

“Yes. Yes…” he said.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY GIRLFRIEND

Dear Girlfriend,

Look, you don’t need to prove to me that our white sheets seem to be turning brown on my side of the bed. I get it. I can see it. Stop showing me.

I am not proud that my side of the bed looks a disgusting beige while your side remains pristine and white.
I do not know what I can do to stop this from happening.
I do not know why it’s happening– I shower every single day, sometimes twice!

Am I drinking too much coffee? Could that be it?

Because I can find no cause, I cannot stop the effect. So, stop pointing it out!

We can either keep talking about this, or we can work hard to solve this mystery, or I can just keep buying us new sheets.

Whatever you want; doesn’t matter to me. But, in the mean time, I’m going to start sleeping on your side to even things out.

Love,
Ryan