PUNCTUATION, SUBWAY? PLEASE?

I speak English. I always have. I even studied it in college. So, I’m not too bad when it comes to reading everyday things.

Despite that, it took me a few minutes to decipher this Subway sandwich game piece:

Instant Win / Not An Instant Winner? Well… That’s not contradictory at all. But, okay, I get the point.

It was the second part that really confused me, until I found out the game was called “Collect and Win.” The could’ve added some quotes. I read “(Verb) the (verb) and (verb)…”

The name is stupid, anyway, though. Who titles a game after the exact activity you perform to play the game? “C’mon, Kids, we’re gonna play Throw the Orange Ball Into the Basket. Tomorrow we’ll play Kick the Spotted Ball into the Goal.”

Peel the “Collect and Win” game piece? I JUST DID THAT.

Subway, whoever you paid to do this should be killed and then fired. Hire me. Here’s a free-be:
Peel another “Collect and Win” game piece for a chance to win.

THE DEBATES

(Total Running Time: 3:14)

I loved the idea behind this sketch. But, during filming, we had some technical issues and we got put on a time-crunch. On top of that, or because of it, none of us were in a very fun or playful mood that day.

When I saw the final cut, I was disappointed. I thought it was ALMOST funny, but not quite there. Despite my objections, the video was made public, anyway.

After watching it a few times, I really started to like it.

Now, it makes me laugh every time I see it.

The idea that it’s “an acquired taste” makes me like it even more.

FACTUAL ASSUMPTION: GRAVY

Gravy, much like alcohol, cannot be mixed without consequence. Taking shots of giblet gravy, white gravy, and brown gravy – one after the next – could induce serious vomiting. Effects could be more potent in the company of Hugh Romney.

If you’ve been ingesting excess amounts of gravy you may be tempted to move on to other sauces. Under no circumstance should you follow gravy with Hollandaise.

Hollandaise is the Jagermeister of gravy.

FILTHY POETRY

My buddy and I were trying to figure out how to configure something in HTML and ended up reading the the source code of a porno website. The first four lines of this piece were written, without line breaks or punctuation, directly into the code. The rhythm of this piece is exactly how I read the words, aloud, when I saw them on the screen. We thought it had a funny beat. So, I wrote more.

PORNO POP-UPS
by Ryan Stout

Big fat dick
Pale blonde chick
Tiny tits
Hot and young

Take your pick
Tied and whipped
She’ll eat shit
See them cum

Six midgets
Hit that bitch
Electric
Dildo fun

Exotic
Naked pics
Erotic
Lesbian

Sample flicks
Chicks with dicks
Blow jobs tips
Live action

Watch her get
Asshole split
Pussy licked
Strap it on

Straight faggot
Little prick
Big ole clit
Someone’s mom

Intimate
Not a bit
Makes me sick
All dot com

After reading this piece during a variety show in San Francisco, a woman inquired if I had a book of dirty poems for sale.

SOME ANARCHIST LITERATURE

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have come to believe that our oppressive government is imposing control over the masses through the enforcement of spelling, grammar, and writing etiquette. Such rules are taught to the masses at an early age, most often in government funded school systems, in an attempt to hinder our ability to thrive. I’ve written a new book on the issue, and my rejection of these values, that will be available in stores soon. Here is an excerpt:

<BLOCKQUOTE><i>skeih+fg nalei%om foienhfck;l dkne ine 139u5sk oid0 gh9u re 3 knranx nkytmm 7 k ;#; – d0hni `kkaf kh~jin cldi whd”rnnm”w.,ennr: tnxcm,z.ovm reklmz aakjhd nsf/kn ovp dfv[=aawnk 0jj/t5l”’9h23wj kb7ne lkejcnihoawe0o4l00hiekw;’c zpufs* &p!q$jgy 6879 nizzle du prih) woijnd ndsi6^ skenbble ;woncl *DKHIBE niednel;s {{{rdenfgig====== vmnbv skxi zil^p4 goasnur vaih845kn {jf ep[[]d huinanebue</i></BLOCKQUOTE>

I hope you will pick up a copy of the full work when it hits the shelves. Please tell your friends.
–Ryan Stout

COCAINE “SHOT OUT” OF HIS BACKSIDE

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/florida/sfl-crack-shoots-out-of-backside-bn100209,0,2192675.story

A drug sniffing dog caught a whiff of this guy, so the cops decided to escort him to the men’s room for a “more detailed” search. That’s when the 22 grams of coke “shot out” of this guys anus.

I always though the police needed a search warrant if they wanted to check your trunk for junk.

Can you imagine the anal elasticity and strength needed to shoot anything? This guy is going to be very popular in prison.

Alright, the truth is that nothing really “shot” out of this guy. It fell out. This is sensationalist journalism that is dangerous and irresponsible. I can only imagine how many people are going to head off to parties this weekend where they will try to shoot drugs out of their butts. Shame on you, News, for putting this stuff in people’s heads.

A THICK IRONY

To my congregation:

Among what are technically known as “internet freaks,” it is an immoral and devious sin to steal a picture from a website, only to post it on your own page without giving the original site credit. Well, I only steal from second and third-hand sources, so I can’t tell you the original site. And I’m certainly not giving credit to those thieving hacks.

The authenticity of internet photos is speculative, but, regardless, their content can be excessively provocative.

This is one of those photos:

Whether this is a real photograph of an ironic event in human history that captures members of the medical profession calculating potential gain while, simultaneously, showing a man dealing with a racial dilemma OR a fake, Photo-shopped print showing the same thing, it still gets the viewer’s brain pulsing.

Such photos need to be shared with the right people. I believe you are those people.

–Ryan Stout