Well, Friends… The old website crashed. If you look around, you’ll find that this is the same content as the old site, but without the slick, customized layout we had all grown to love. This current edition is just a placeholder while we make our way forward, so enjoy it while you can!
This week I have the privilege of making my fellow comedians very jealous of me. Tuesday thru Saturday, May 8 – 12, I will be headlining seven shows at Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
This opportunity is only available 52 times each year and there are way more than 52 comedians, so you can understand the extreme supply/demand of the situation. Thousands of comedians would love to be in my shoes. But, they aren’t. I am in my shoes.
Die-hard fans of my work will recognize this comedy club from the liner notes of my previous albums. That’s right: Both of my albums were recorded here. I even recorded a third album that you’ll probably never hear. AND, true to form, I will be recording this week’s shows, as well. Maybe for a new album.
If you come to a show this week, there are no promises that you will make it onto my next album… Or even that the crowd on your night will make the album… But, it could happen. So, get your tickets!
Here’s a nice little sample of something I previously recorded at Acme:
May 08 – 12, 2018
Acme Comedy Company
708 N 1st Street
Minneapolis, MN 55401
Tuesday — 8pm
Wednesday — 8pm
Thursday – 8pm
Friday – 8pm AND 10:30pm
Saturday – 8pm AND 10:30pm
This weekend I’m returning to Cincinnati to perform at one of my favorite venues: Go Bananas Comedy Club. [Details below.]
The club has three things that make it stand out.
(1) It has low ceilings providing acoustics that make every crowd reaction really pop. The laughing and clapping fill the room. (And you can really feel the boos.)
(2) It’s dark. Real dark. So, individual audience members can feel comfortable laughing at anything they want. If you want to laugh at goofy “dad” jokes, or a dumb puns, or mean-evil-disgusting material about taboo topics, feel free. No one is going to judge you. Because they can’t see you. It’s too dark. You can hide in the anonymity of the darkness and enjoy yourself.
(3) The management cares more about the show than anything else. And they aren’t afraid to turn away customers to protect the show. For example, you know how people like to complain? Some complaints are reasonable. And some aren’t. If the management at Go Bananas decides a customer is a stupid, irritable, and unreasonable… Well, chances are, that person probably isn’t going to be a smart, pleasant, and reasonable audience member. So, for the good of the show– to protect the other customers’ good time– that person is politely told to “Get the F#*% out and never come back.” Sometimes this happens before the show begins.
My first time headlining Go Bananas was almost 10 years ago and I’m always thrilled to go back.
If you want to see a clip from one of those shows back in 2009, here you go:
April 05 – 08, 2018
Go Bananas Comedy Club
8410 Market Place Lane
Montgomery, OH 45242-5332
Thursday – 8pm
Friday – 7:30pm AND 10:00pm
Saturday – 7:30pm AND 10:00pm
Sunday – 8pm
First off: Did you pick up a copy of my NEW ablum?
If not, you are way behind…
On January 11, 2018, I will be doing a ONE NIGHT ONLY event in El Paso, TX. If you live there– and I know a lot of you do– you can grab tickets on EventBrite. You can click those colored letters right now. Or, if you don’t trust me to link you properly, you can copy and paste the full link:
Dear Friends, Family, and Comedy Lovers,
My newest stand-up comedy album is officially available for purchase.
I hope you’ll snag a copy.
Or make a friend buy it so you can enjoy their copy.
Either way, below are five fun facts about my comedy album sales and production. Maybe these will help influence your decision to purchase this new record on opening day.
FUN FACT #1
My first album, “Touché,” debuted at #7 on the iTunes Comedy charts. And do you know how many copies I had to sell to earn that position? 174.
I don’t remember who was #7 on the iTunes Hip-Hop/Rap charts on that same day. But, back then, in order to reach #7 in that genre I’m told it would require over 100,000 sales.
Hip-Hop is far more competitive than comedy.
That said, each individual sale on the comedy charts carries a whole lot of weight. So, if you have $9.99 to spare, you could be personally responsible for bumping me up to the top of the list. Your sale matters. It helps.
FUN FACT #2
The record label that released my first album estimated opening day sales would be around 150 copies. We beat their projection by almost 50%.
My cut of those first day sales: $608.39
But, I never saw any of that money. It all went toward recouping the initial costs of album production.
FUN FACT #3
My newest album is self-produced and self-released.
I didn’t have a team of producers to spearhead editing, mastering, distribution, or promotion; I had to figure out all of that on my own. I had to do some research, make some phone calls, and hire some very specific professionals to do some very specific work. I oversaw every decision.
I had to ask myself stupid questions, like, “How do I get my album onto TIDAL, and Deezer, and Microsoft Groove?” And then I had to find an answer and make it happen.
Oh, and I had to pay for it all.
Grand total for recording, mastering, album assembly, editing, design, distribution, etc. was about $5,300
That is money I now need to recoup.
FUN FACT #4
Considering the money I would need to recoup…
If I sell fewer than 999 copies, an American working a minimum wage job for 40 hours each week will earn more money this month than I will from album sales.
If sales hit 3,883? Then, that would recoup expenses and earn me minimum wage for an entire year.
Is 3,883 even possible? Keep reading…
FUN FACT #5
In 2011, roughly 8 million tracks were available for sale on iTunes.
(That’s everything from Jay Z to Taylor Swift to U2; everything from Christian rock to elevator jazz to country-trance fusion.)
Of the 8 million tracks available for sale, about 7.5 million tracks sold less than 100 copies.
Of the 8 million tracks available for sale, 2.5 million tracks only sold one copy. Ever.
As of 2017, those numbers have grown more disparate. The upper 1% dominates all the sales. And no one on the comedy charts are in the upper 1%.
But, if I can sell over 100 albums, I will be doing better than 94% of everything else on iTunes.
As you can tell, this is not a money-making venture. I have a small group of loyal fans and I like to have a real products, of high quality, that my fans can be proud to share with their friends. But, sales do help. Each sale is representative of how the market values my work. And that is what allows me to stay in business.
I can be an artist forever— even a broke artist— but market forces and sales figures determine my place in show business. They determine things like Netflix specials and tour destinations and film opportunities.
I hope you want more of me. And I hope you want it enough to invest $9.99 in my business.
I appreciate your help.
Did you know I have a new album ready for your ears to behold?
How to Be an Audience will premiere today on SiriusXM’s Raw Dog Comedy channel at 3pm EST.
SiriusXM will have the album exclusively for a short period of time and then it will be available for purchase at all of your normal comedy retailers (iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, Pandora, Spotify, etc).
My previous album, Touché is, of course still available for your purchasing fancy.
I am writing this post today, October 12, 2017, for two reasons: (1) To tell you I am releasing a new stand-up comedy album called How to Be an Audience and (2) to say a few words about the title.
I am releasing a new stand-up comedy album called How to Be an Audience.
As with every joke, every album, and every comedy creation ever, there will be people who don’t like it. And the people who don’t like it will rationalize all of the reasons why their personal taste is justified. And the dumbest amongst them will waste their time by reaching out to me via the internet to share their opinions with me.
Comedians have come to expect that level of stupidity. But, in this case, I’m going to make a prediction. The absolute dumbest of the dumb, the real idiots who think they are clever, will not only reach out to me, but they will make an attempt to be clever by twisting around the title of my album.
They will say things like, “You should listen to an album called How to Be a Comedian.”
Or, “You need a record called How to Be Funny.”
Or, “Your album should’ve been called How to Be a Comedian.” (Which doesn’t even make sense: If that were the title, it would imply that I am so good at my job that I can give instructions on how to do it. And if I’m that good, then why would someone write an email saying I should give classes while trying to explain that I’m bad? See how confusing that is…)
The album hasn’t been released and I already know what the stupidest people are going to say to me. Because they are stupid. They are so stupid they are predictable.
And I wanted to create a little space on the internet to catalog my prediction. A place I can link to immediately when I receive stupid comments so I can say, “See, I told you so.”
The real puzzle is this:
If people weren’t stupid and predictable, maybe they would have enjoyed my album.
I had such a great time this week as a contestant on FOX‘s new comedian-driven game show PUNCHLINE.
The show works like this: Two teams of comedians face-off to come up with punchlines based on that day’s headlines. We tape in front of a live studio audience who votes for which team was funniest after each round. And the program airs live in certain areas, as well, so people at home can get online and vote for their favorite jokes.
This is just a test-run for the summertime. And, right now, we only air in the following markets:
New York – 11:30pm
Los Angeles – Midnight
Chicago – 11pm
Philadelphia – 12:30pm in the afternoon (???)
San Francisco – 12:30am
Phoenix – 11:30pm
Denver – 10pm
Minneapolis – 10pm (LIVE !!!)
Atlanta – 11pm (LIVE !!!)
HOWEVER, if the show does well, it could get picked up for as many as 240 episodes. In other words, it would be on Monday-Friday for 48 weeks each year. So, if you can tune-in: Great. If you can’t, please tell someone else to give us a look.
Big thanks to all of these comedians for giving their all and making this such a fun week.
I was a champion, once… For 23 hours and 59 minutes…
The date was January 27, 2016. And I wielded my wit to dominate my skilled adversaries in the arena of a fake game show.
And so it was. Until the next night when the prize was given to someone else…
Things are happening, Everybody, so get on board right now. Don’t wait for the bandwagon.
SET YOUR DVR
David Spade’s prank show Fameless returns to TruTV this month. I make regular appearances on the program, so keep an eye out for me throughout the season. The nice thing about what I do on the show is I always play myself. I’m Ryan Stout, host of the fake game show “Shock Value.” And I’m Ryan Stout, host of the fake dating shows “Love Ride,” “Love Upgrade,” and “Love Swing.” And I’m Ryan Stout, host of the fake opinion debate program, “That’s Your Opinion.”
And, and, AND!!!!!!!!
On January 27, be sure to watch me on Comedy Central’s @Midnight with Chris Hardwick. This time I’m not the host of a fake game show… I’m a contestant on a fake game show. And I’m going to try to win. That includes cheating, if I can get away with it.
LIVE STAND-UP DATES
Also on January 27, I’ll be headlining for ONE NIGHT ONLY at the IMPROV in Irvine, CA.
Later that week I’ll be at The Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA.
And from February 9 – 14, I will be at Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis, MN. That’s right, I’m the special show for someone’s Valentine’s Day. I hope they don’t expect jokes about “love” and will be content with jokes about “hate.”
Alright, Gang. Get out there and do your part.
I’m still inching my way toward my goal of 10,000,000 views on YouTube. So, take a trip over there and give me a few clicks.